I’m sitting on a beach called Are Guling, no one else is around for at least 100 m. The water is beautiful and blue green with white caps breaking across the reef, waves crashing across the brown and gray cliffs and rebounding off the small mountain-hill of the island in the bay. I am surrounded by garbage – plastic waste. This beach is seriously littered with it, as are most Indonesian beaches. I’m saddened by it, and I estimate it would take 200 man hours to clean this beach, a real community effort. I think part of Indonesia’s garbage problem is they don’t have a proper waste management system; much of their garbage is burned in the evenings outside of houses, restaurants, on side streets: Micro-incinerator burning piles are distributed through the neighborhood. I would like to do something about it but that’s not my mission or purpose here, Lombok could use a proper waste management system that the citizens would buy into. Maybe one day I will be manifest, I hope within the next two decades.
This is a more introspective and personal post – read on if you’re ready for it hahaha.
I’ve been told I’m an empath and recently it was reiterated to me. I’ve had trouble sleeping in hostels, no surprise there, but not everyone sleeps poorly in hostels I think. I believe that music has largely taught me empathy, listening to the world, paying attention to the quality of my experience and responding in a way that makes it beautiful and harmonious. I have learned to relax into experience to feel it fully, feel the moment most dear and enraptured. I dearly miss music, yet I am still following another calling by diverging from it for now.
Yet in the past 3 days, I restarted my mindfulness practice because I saw I was missing it, and living afar from the present moment. I have noticed my lack of interest in surfing while I’m here, preferring to stay in and do work on my laptop planning. It’s crazy how I have some aversion to surfing and exercise, yet understandable due to my seasickness and toe pain/hip pain – I’m uncertain if my direction/aim is true and heading toward progress, but I know that I must simply do the things and pay attention anyways, and seeking help with them is wise. In fact, I was at a beach rave last night, fully sober of course as is my style though I was offered substances a record-breaking number of times. I danced my butt off and it felt great, real high energy fueled by the tech house music, though somebody asked me if I had any cocaine so I guess that’s what people thought I might have been on LOL. I managed to pull part of my right inner thigh muscles early on but that didn’t stop me, just reminded me that I need to warm up and limber up before going hard, even at 28 years old. It had been a very long time since I stayed up till 3:00 a.m., I felt it was justified, and the connections and conversations I was having were rather positive.
My desire to do work over enjoy myself is partially born out of fear, I realized today. Fear of really giving myself fully to life surprisingly. That would be my heart going to music and giving to the world through that. I am planning and planning and planning, working to avoid having to do some of the trials and tribulations. Music is the avenue to great Power and I know that, but I have not yet envisioned my highest potential with it so my motivation for it is not there yet. Music makes me very hyper still, and it’s difficult to concentrate and focus to the degree I’m aiming for right now.
I really have been wanting more Samadhi (Pali word roughly meaning concentration) and I’m working at it, but ink
For some reason I still believe there is a part of me that is unlovable, I have not loved that part of myself. It keeps me from being fully myself, responding with absolute authenticity, and trapped in a small world devoid of the deepest and strongest friendships I could create. I hope that the peak states therapy helps to obviate that.
I know I’m working to alleviate myself of that, setting my direction in the most direct path I can think of to higher vibrations. Really, it means that a part of my experience is what I consider to be unlovable, undesirable, wrong, etc. so I must face that, become aware of that.
I’m reminded of a vision or experience or concept that came to me during a sound journey and Ubud on Bali. I was in a large metal pyramid structure and we were all lying down on the beds provided, the facilitator in the middle with his instruments. I saw that. The base of the pyramid was fully made of people, solid relationships in my life, and that each level successively higher in the pyramid was to be crawled up, climbed with great effort by me and others, but the base of the pyramid should be solid, and that’s important. The highest purpose of my life was at the peak, and the entire structure of my pyramid was my creation, and I was scared of its power and so I was scared of what I would be able to create. So I guess the plan is basically as follows: learn to go deeper than ever before with peak states and meditation and practice in the monastery, thus allowing me to be create the fullest, deepest relationships possible to form the base of my pyramid (and be part of others’ too), create a powerful network of people with purest vision and music, ascend the pyramid one project at a time with the help of many and serving multitudes, and inspire and motivate as many people as possible to empower them to radically take ownership of their life and their health and vitality, giving them the ability to seize the opportunity to spiritually liberate themselves and others.
Sounds like a rough plan. I think I’ll buy a Ukulele 